Change

04Mar10

Wow. It’s been awhile. August? Life has changed quite a bit since August. Where do I even begin?

Some of you may know what is going on in my life right now. And some of you may not. And while I should be spilling my guts, trying to vent some of my frustration, I dont know if I’m ready for that yet. So I’m going to give it my best shot, a little glimpse into my life. Here goes nothing.

[deep breath]

My private struggle lately has been about being happy. Trying to find and obtain a certain happiness that makes one’s life complete. I know that everyone goes through tough times and not everyone is absolutely happy all of the time. And for awhile I kept telling myself that. Telling myself that things will get better. For months I told myself this, waiting for the happiness to come. I thought it was just an after effect of the loss of my grandfather and the stress of buying a house that was causing this misery to persist.

It was time for me to be honest. Not only with myself, but with others.

I had to leave. I had to walk away from what was holding me back. And while to some it may seem childish, irresponsible, unthinkable…I know it was the right decision for me. Am I satisfied where I’m at in my life? Married, divorced, and living at home at age 22? No. This is nothing I had planned. Nothing that I wanted for myself. Ever.

And while the details of why I left are irrelevant, just know that it  comes down to happiness. If there was one thing that I learned from my grandpa’s passing, it’s that life is too short to be anything but absolutely happy. And if you are in a situation where you are unhappy, and you have the opportunity to fix it, to make yourself happy once again, do it. And don’t ever look back.

So if you are going through something similar, where happiness seems just out of reach, or obtaining your happiness requires hurting someone else, please know that you are not alone. If you ever need anyone to talk to, I’m here for you, whoever you are. And if not me, look to your family and friends, because chances are, they’ve been there too.

I would never have gotten through this difficult time without the love, support, and direction of my huge support system of my family and friends. Thank you and I love you all. You know who you are.

Below are some little sayings that have helped me get through this all. Ironically given to me by someone who asked to be “uplifted” recently. Little does she know how much she helps me. Thanks friend.

I’ll try to keep this up a little better. It’s refreshing…

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*human life isn’t about perfection, it is about accepting the flawed, the misguided parts of ourselves and we keep trying, we keep loving, we keep believing.

*it is not your responsibility to keep anyone else happy. your responsibility is to yourself. know what you want, know what you deserve and settle for nothing less.

*I’ve learned pretending to be happy doesn’t make you happy, & you can’t forget the past in fear of the future. I’ve learned you can’t control falling in love, & you can’t make yourself fall in love. I’ve learned that sometimes the things we most want to forget are the things we most need to talk about, & I’ve learned that time & love can heal all things, & just when we think it can’t get worse, it does.

*You can’t live your life for other people. You’ve got to do what’s right for you, even if it hurts some people you love. -The Notebook

*So hold your head high gorgeous,
People would kill to see you fall,
In the dead of the night they can’t hear you screaming
You swear revenge, against them all

So stay strong beautiful,
It won’t matter it they think less of you here,
But you cry by the window when wishes in moonlight don’t come true
Doesn’t mean you have to fear.

So never take the words to heart,
He has no idea what he meant,
To you it meant a life time,
To him, a worthless than a cent.

So don’t drown yourself in what you call medicine,
It will only do you harm,
because you never got drunk enough to get him off your mind.

So don’t believe you will never amount to anything,
You truly have no idea what your worth,

So don’t be afraid to crumble love,
Have you even forgotten who you are?
You walk around thinking you aren’t beautiful,
The truth could never have been more far…

So when you forget about him,
Don’t regret the pain you felt,
It’ll only make you better
And you’ll know how to play the hand you’re dealt.

So Hold you head high gorgeous,
Show the world your fine,
Don’t give in to the heartache,
Because people would kill to see you fall.

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