Some of you may know what is going on in my life right now. And some of you may not. And while I should be spilling my guts, trying to vent some of my frustration, I dont know if I’m ready for that yet. So I’m going to give it my best shot, a little glimpse into my life. Here goes nothing.

[deep breath]

My private struggle lately has been about being happy. Trying to find and obtain a certain happiness that makes one’s life complete. I know that everyone goes through tough times and not everyone is absolutely happy all of the time. And for awhile I kept telling myself that. Telling myself that things will get better. For months I told myself this, waiting for the happiness to come. I thought it was just an after effect of the loss of my grandfather and the stress of buying a house that was causing this misery to persist.

It was time for me to be honest. Not only with myself, but with others.

I had to leave. I had to walk away from what was holding me back. And while to some it may seem childish, irresponsible, unthinkable…I know it was the right decision for me. Am I satisfied where I’m at in my life? Married, divorced, and living at home at age 22? No. This is nothing I had planned. Nothing that I wanted for myself. Ever.

And while the details of why I left are irrelevant, just know that it  comes down to happiness. If there was one thing that I learned from my grandpa’s passing, it’s that life is too short to be anything but absolutely happy. And if you are in a situation where you are unhappy, and you have the opportunity to fix it, to make yourself happy once again, do it. And don’t ever look back.

So if you are going through something similar, where happiness seems just out of reach, or obtaining your happiness requires hurting someone else, please know that you are not alone. If you ever need anyone to talk to, I’m here for you, whoever you are. And if not me, look to your family and friends, because chances are, they’ve been there too.

I would never have gotten through this difficult time without the love, support, and direction of my huge support system of my family and friends. Thank you and I love you all. You know who you are.

Below are some little sayings that have helped me get through this all. Ironically given to me by someone who asked to be “uplifted” recently. Little does she know how much she helps me. Thanks friend.

I’ll try to keep this up a little better. It’s refreshing…

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*human life isn’t about perfection, it is about accepting the flawed, the misguided parts of ourselves and we keep trying, we keep loving, we keep believing.

*it is not your responsibility to keep anyone else happy. your responsibility is to yourself. know what you want, know what you deserve and settle for nothing less.

*I’ve learned pretending to be happy doesn’t make you happy, & you can’t forget the past in fear of the future. I’ve learned you can’t control falling in love, & you can’t make yourself fall in love. I’ve learned that sometimes the things we most want to forget are the things we most need to talk about, & I’ve learned that time & love can heal all things, & just when we think it can’t get worse, it does.

*You can’t live your life for other people. You’ve got to do what’s right for you, even if it hurts some people you love. -The Notebook

*So hold your head high gorgeous,
People would kill to see you fall,
In the dead of the night they can’t hear you screaming
You swear revenge, against them all

So stay strong beautiful,
It won’t matter it they think less of you here,
But you cry by the window when wishes in moonlight don’t come true
Doesn’t mean you have to fear.

So never take the words to heart,
He has no idea what he meant,
To you it meant a life time,
To him, a worthless than a cent.

So don’t drown yourself in what you call medicine,
It will only do you harm,
because you never got drunk enough to get him off your mind.

So don’t believe you will never amount to anything,
You truly have no idea what your worth,

So don’t be afraid to crumble love,
Have you even forgotten who you are?
You walk around thinking you aren’t beautiful,
The truth could never have been more far…

So when you forget about him,
Don’t regret the pain you felt,
It’ll only make you better
And you’ll know how to play the hand you’re dealt.

So Hold you head high gorgeous,
Show the world your fine,
Don’t give in to the heartache,
Because people would kill to see you fall.

It seems I’ve been on this strange roller coaster ride the past two weeks or so. I want to get off but the ride keeps going and going. The hills and the dips are almost more than I can bear at times. Sometimes moving at the speed of light. Sometimes slowing, as if teasing me that the ride has stopped only before taking off again. While I do not intend this to be a pity-party post, I do think that writing down some of my feelings will help me sort them out. I hope so anyways.

After the funeral and the move, we’ve finally gotten back into somewhat of a routine. The house looks okay for being in there only a short time. Oakley is getting used to his prolonged stay in a kennel, but he also enjoys his weekly visits with Grandma Doris where he gets people treats like waffles and deviled eggs. (stinky puppy!) It’s okay I suppose. It’s his reward for doing more good than he knows.

I hated to see them go, but my friends Clarissa, Ciara, and Cyvannah Doll all moved to Tennessee a week or so ago and I’m missing them like crazy. It’s hard when you’ve grown so close to someone and they leave you. And it’s harder when you’ve grown so close to three beautiful, amazing, talented, fun-loving sisters and they all leave you at the same time.

Oakley also had some troubles in the last week. I took him to the vet and they found that Oakley had some bladder stones. No wonder he was in so much pain! He went into surgery and had 6 stones removed. Ouch! He also has a yeast infection in his ears. I’ve only had him a month and it seems like everything is going wrong for him. I feel bad, but I’m doing the best that I can. Obviously a lot of these problems stemmed from before and weren’t known or weren’t relayed to me. He’s become one very expensive pup which has only brought my spirits lower.

I’ve also been a complete wreck this past week. I’ve been missing Grandpa like crazy this week. It’s still hard thinking that I will never see him again and wondering if I spent enough time with him. (I know that I didn’t) Everything reminds me of him – whether it be a photo or a grandpa-style hat or a song — the tears just keep on flowing.

The hardest part this past week was when my dad had me list Grandpa’s car on Craigslist. Selfishly, I wanted the car to myself. I didn’t want Grandma to get rid of it and I didn’t want anyone else to get it. I loved seeing Grandpa and Grandma at baseball games sitting and watching from the car. I loved knowing that in the summer, I’d see him drive by my parents house two or three times a day just to make sure things were in order. But when that car is gone, a little piece of my grandpa that I had left is gone too.

So with thoughts of Grandpa, my friends, and my family, I feel just a little lost in this world. I feel like maybe I’m just being tossed around mentally and emotionally. I feel like parts of my life are at a standstill and that maybe I was destined for something greater. My grandpa’s last words to me were “You’re a prize…I love you”. Those words will ring in my ears forever I hope. Because while the physical things may be gone, I still have the words and the memories of my grandpa. I pray for a better week, for a better day than what has been happening, but a part of me thinks that better may also mean forgetting. Like the pain is just a constant reminder of Grandpa and I don’t want that to go away. Obviously this is a naive mindset, but it’s still there.

My heart also goes out to a former classmate who recently lost a grandparent. Laura, if you’re reading this, I want you to know that I have been thinking of you during your difficult time. It is not easy and I know what you’re going through. I’ll be thinking of you and your family during the next few trying and healing weeks…

I hope you are all enjoying this fall weather! It’s getting to be the most exciting time of the year! Be safe, all!

I’m glad that my Grandma Doris helped us move. She claims she didn’t do much, but actually she did a lot. She proves that life does go on, and it’s so nice to have such a wonderful example in her. She works harder than any other 84 year old woman I know! Maybe even harder than most 21 year olds! She truly is one of the most incredible people I know.

Going back to Grandpa a bit, I was blown away by the support of family and friends that came to show their love for Grandpa at his visitation and funeral. I can’t say that I was surprised as I know that Grandpa touched a lot of lives, including my own. I made the decision to speak at Grandpa’s funeral. I knew it would be tough, but I knew he would be proud. Not everything I did made Grandpa proud, but I was still the apple of his eye. What better way to honor him than to tell the world how much he means to me? I posted the speech separately in a post below. It was one of the hardest moments in my life, but a character-building moment. I reminded myself of him in a way. Trying to hold back tears now…

Below are some pictures from visitation that I thought were really special. I hope you enjoy them as much as I will treasure them.

Lannon & Kye in their “Bibs” — Signature Grandpa Charlie

Little Cuties

Dallas and Grandpa’s red guitar. I really love this picture…

Grandpa loved a woman named Doris. He loved her with all his heart as she did him. My grandma is an incredibly strong woman, even stronger so for putting up with Grandpa. Because we all know at times that was not easy. But together, they made a family and a home. A home filled with many memories and traditions that I hope continue on in his honor.

Grandpa and I were very close. He was my rock and I love him dearly. I was his sweetie, and he made sure to tell me everyday. I think we bonded so well because we are both so ornery, but he would never admit to passing that trait on to me. Like many of the other grandkids, Grandpa Charlie often took me fishing. I recall one specific trip to Diamond Lake in which we decided to have a competition to see who could catch the most fish. After a few hours, our grand totals for the day were one fish for me, zero fish for Grandpa. Secretly, I think he let me win. But it didn’t matter who won or who lost, it was about a grandfather spending time with his granddaughter.

I always had a creative side and grandpa recognized that. He always had scrap pieces of wood that he allowed me to color and paint. He let me sell my lovely creations at his annual garage sale. He even let me keep the money. Him and I shared our creative genes too. Although his “creations” usually were gag gifts to the daughter-in-laws. He always had a joke up his sleeve.

Grandpa loved to teach. Not just me, but everyone. I found his guitar one day, and he picked it up and showed me how to play a few chords. I can still play a “G”. If only I would have taken his offer more seriously. I remember Grandpa letting me garden with him. Teaching me how and when to plant, and how and when the vegetables were ready to pick. He let me make horseradish with him. He always had the best horseradish. I used to sit and play with Maynard and Gia while he worked out in his workshop. I loved going there after school and just spending time with Grandpa and Grandma and listening to their stories.

He wasn’t the only one who had an ornery streak. I remember one day I came home from school and had learned that cigarettes were bad for you. I didn’t want my grandpa’s lungs to turn black so while he was out in his shop, I went inside and hid all of his cigarettes from him. He asked where they were and I told him my reasoning for hiding them. Come to think of it, I’m not sure he ever found them…

Grandpa also loved sports. While he claimed he loved the Chicago Bears and the Chicago Cubs. His favorite teams to watch were the ones his grandkids played on. He rarely missed a ballgame. He loved to cheer on his grandkids at their athletic events and he always called after the game to congratulate them and talk about the game. But he didn’t just support his grandchildren, he supported the whole team. I heard a story from a young man this week who wanted to share a memory of Grandpa. This young man used to talk to Grandpa often at Zip’N in Lynnville. He played baseball and after a difficult season, he talked to Grandpa about it. As a graduation gift, Grandpa gave the young man a wooden bat for good luck and told him to keep his head held high. A simple gift. Something that Grandpa didn’t have to do, but that was just the kind of guy he was. He wanted people happy, confident, and with a smile on their face.

I got to sit and talk with my grandpa this past week. Just him and me. Although he struggled to remember things like when I got married, or even my name, he still talked to me like Grandpa Charlie would. I bent down and he wanted to put his arm around me. He told me it relaxed him. Of course, I obliged. I looked Grandpa in the eyes and told him I loved him. And in typical Charlie fashion, he looked back at me and said “Well, I want you to.”

Grandpa may not have known how to make some of his feelings known, it was never a question that he loved us. And I think all he wanted in return was to be loved. And I think it’s pretty obvious that he was loved, more than he probably knew. I’m so honored to have been able to call him my Grandfather. And I’m so glad to see the impact that Grandpa made on many of you. He truly was the most incredible man I have ever known and I’m so blessed to have known him.

Grandpa Charlie was many things. Kind, generous, big-hearted, loving, honest, ornery, hard-headed. He was a teacher. An outdoorsmen. A mentor. A father. A friend. But to me, he always has been, and always will be, my grandpa.

So grandpa, I know you’re looking down right now and I know you’re thinkin’ “Move it along, Brooker” but I want you to know how much I love you. How I look up to you and how I hope to become even half the person you were. I love you. Forever and always. Save me a seat, Grandpa. I hope the fish are biting.

Denial: This isn’t happening. The cancer is everywhere? I’m not ready. I am not ready… Why, God?

Anger: I hate this. I hate cancer. I hate the fact that it’s taken control of so many lives and so many families. I hate the fact that it’s taken my grandpa from me. He won’t get to see my first house. He won’t get to see Dallas play his first college basketball game. He won’t get to meet my children…his great-grandchildren. I wanted my grandpa to live forever.

Bargaining: I would give anything to have my grandpa Charlie back, healthy and happy. I’d gladly take his place if he could just reach a few more people. Be a shining example to others and touch a few more people’s lives. Take me instead…

Depression: This is the hardest thing I’ve done in my life. I’m just ready for it to be over and get back to some sort of normal…whatever that will be now.

Acceptance: I’m at peace with what happened. I know that my Grandpa is in a better place. A place where there is no pain. No suffering. His body is healed and he is forever young. I know that death happens for a reason. It’s one certainty in life. I understand that it happens to everyone. And I understand it was necessary. I have no choice but to be okay with it.

The one I’m truly admiring throughout this process is my dear Grandma Doris. She is so incredibly strong. Sitting at the funeral home today she carried herself with incredible grace and dignity, remembering and honoring all of Charlie’s wishes. On Grandpa’s final days, she was always tending to his needs. Making sure that he was content and comfortable. She truly is the epitome of the perfect wife. She’s an incredibly strong woman…stronger so for putting up with Grandpa Charlie for 38 years!

I would like to ask for special prayers from y’all. Over the past week, I have felt a strong urge to share my thoughts and memories of Grandpa at his funeral. I have lots of memories of my Grandpa. He was my best friend and we were very close. I’m deeply saddened that he will never get to meet my children, and my children will never get to know their Great Grandpa Charlie. I’m so thankful for the relationship that I have had with my Grandpa. It’s one that I will never forget and will always cherish.

If you knew Charlie, please feel free to come out to his visitation on Thursday night. Family will be there from 5:00 to 8:00pm at Smith Funeral Home. Funeral services are at 10:30am at Smith Funeral Home in Grinnell.

I would like to thank everyone for all of your thoughts, prayers, kind words, and visits over the past week. Your kindness is overwhelming and we all appreciate it so very much.

I’m glad that we got to have those good days with him. The days that we will cherish forever. And I’m glad that I got to speak to my grandpa a few more times. I got to tell him I loved him every day, twice a day. Something that I regret not doing before. So here is my plea to all of you reading this: Tell your friends and family that you love them. Everyday. Every single day. If only I had done this when I could and should have…

Dallas got home Sunday and you could tell he was glad to be home. He went up to the hospital for a few hours yesterday and you could tell it was hard on him. He had the opportunity to come home from his missions trip on Tuesday, but chose not to. You could tell he was questioning that decision in his head and it was and is really bothering him. To tell the truth, while it would have been nice to have my brother there, I’m glad he chose to stay. Missions trips are once-in-a-lifetime opportunities, and he did a great amount of good in Mississippi. Had he chose to come back, he would have been doing the same thing as us: waiting…

So as I’m writing this to you all today, I keep thinking of a certain song and the lyrics that make me weep at first sound. A song that is helping ease the pain of what is certain to happen in the following days, maybe weeks. The song is When I Get Where I’m Going by Brad Paisley.

I’m gonna walk with my grandaddy,

And he’ll match me step for step,

And I’ll tell him how I’ve missed him every minute since he left,

And then I’ll hug his neck,

Yeah, When I get where I’m going…

Words like that reassure me that what I’m going through, someone else has felt. I am not alone. And that there is a bright side to all of this and that I will see my sweet Grandpa Charlie again someday.

I do want to share with you the family photos we got on Wednesday. They are priceless…

Doesn’t he look cute in those shades?

The whole family. (almost)

I got to visit with my grandfather a little bit. Just him and me. We talked about the view and his visitors. He asked to put his arm around me because it was relaxing. Of course I obliged. I would do anything for that man just as he would do and has done anything and everything for me. Grandpa has trouble with  names right now. He looks at me, as well as others, like he should know my name, but he can’t figure out why it’s not coming to him. My grandpa could call me Jim, Sally, Suzie, Bobby…I don’t care. He knows it’s me and that’s all that matters. He still looks at me the same, talks to me the same, and loves me the same. As I do him…

Later in the evening, Brandon, Lindsey, and Kye came to visit too. Kye is such a ham! He will be a real heartbreaker someday. It’s nice to have that little bit of comic relief in a situation like this. His mom is teaching him Spanish and English so everything is “Ca Ca” right now…NAUGHTY!! He played with some playdough and ran through the sprinklers in the Healing Garden. The Hospice staff is wonderful at having plenty of kid-friendly activities on hand for him. He’s is pretty hard not to fall in love with. He keeps everyone laughing and on their toes. I’m so glad to have met my little cousin/nephew. Grandpa is too!

My mom and Dad are SO in love with him. My dad especially. He glows whenever Kye is around. I think they’re ready for grandkids…

Brandon is an incredible father to Kye. Although I’m pretty sure Brandon is going to get a little taste of what he was like when he was little.

For those of you that don’t know, my grandpa Charlie was rushed to the hospital early Tuesday morning. (about 8 hours after I wrote the post about cancer) My grandmother woke up from her sleep and realized granda wasn’t in bed with her. She went out to the living room and he was sprawled out in his recliner without his oxygen. My grandma managed to find the strength to get him to his feet and walk him back to bed. She is not the typicle “little old lady”.

My grandpa has been very confused lately and when he started talking jibberish, she knew something was wrong. She called my parents and they came down to help. After calling 911, grandpa had a seizure that lasted 2 minutes. After which, he fell un-responsive. Rescue crews brought him to Grinnell and our family sat in the Emergeny Room as the doctor came in and gave us the news…

“The cancer has spread into the brain. And there are innumerable lesions,” the doctor said. I watched as my grandmother began to cry. She looked down at her left hand and at her dainty gold wedding band that grandpa placed on her finger 38 years ago. Of course grandma didn’t understand how it could have gotten so bad, and to be honest, neither did we. How did the chemo-therapy not help at all? Was the pain that he went through all a waste? Now we understood why he was in so much pain and was confused. He always knew when something was wrong.

Sitting in the ER waiting room, we all had some decisions to make. Do we go to Iowa City or Des Moines for a second opinion? Or do we keep him in Grinnell? If worse comes to worse, would he want to be on a ventilator? What about hospice?

After a restless night for all of us, we finally got more bad news from the doctor. Not only was the cancer in his brain, it was down his spine, through his abdomen, pelvis, and legs. Cancer has taken control of my grandpa from his head to his toes.

Tuesday was a horrible day. We all sat quiet in the Intensive Care Unit family waiting room thinking of the good times in the past, and what was to come in the future. Dealing with the thoughts that Grandpa Charlie may never wake up was just not what any of us wanted to hear…especially not Grandma. She was understandably having trouble dealing with the news, and it was heartwrenching taking her back to the apartment she shared with my grandpa knowing that he will never be back there. She walked in the door looking confused, as if asking herself “where do I start?” and “how will i get through this?” She looked at his recliner, his breathing machine still set up. She looked at all the family photos and tears formed in her eyes. I can’t imagine what she is going through…

Tuesday was a better day. He’s been moved to the hospice room at Grinnell. Brandon, his wife Lindsey, and his son Kye arrived and we all got to spend the day together…even though it was at the hospital. That was the first time that Grandpa got to see Kye since he was one week old. And surprise! Grandpa did wake up. He spoke to us all a little bit, although the messages were hard to understand. The orneryness that we’ve all come to love is still there. He knows who we are even though the names don’t always come to him right away. He referred to my mom as “the best peach around” and to my grandmother as “a hottie”. I’m sure that’s the first time she’s ever heard him say it like that! When I took my grandpa’s fragile hand, I looked at him, gave him a kiss on his hairless head, and said “I love you” and his response, although funny, was kind of like his general thoughts about love. He said, “Well, I want you to.” Grandpa never really says “I love you”, but we always know his love for us knows no bounds.

Grandpa got to go outside with us yesterday. He got to enjoy the sunshine one more day. He got to enjoy watching his children, his grandchildren, and his great-grandchildren interract and rally around him. He got a 4-generation picture as well as a full family photo. He got to eat some applesauce. He got to get a massage. Hospice is truly an amazing program. I don’t know how they do it, but the staff truly has done an incredible job at making sure that not only Grandpa, but that Grandma and the rest of the family is comfortable and that all of our needs are taken care of.

I don’t want any of you out there to get the wrong idea. The situation is not good, and while we would all like to keep our hopes up, it is not likely that he will beat this. We appreciate all of the visitors, the care packages, food, books, thoughts, and prayers for Grandpa Charlie and the difficult situation that is to come. Thank you all. We are just trying to make him comfortable and enjoy our last days and weeks with the incredible man that we have come to know and love as husband, father, grandfather, brother, uncle, and friend.

My grandpa was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months ago. It was diagnosed and within a week he was scheduled for surgery. A PET scan showed that one of his lungs was about 1/3 covered, and there were two nodes around the lung that the cancer had spread to. The surgeon, unfortunately but successfully, removed Grandpa’s entire lung. After doing a biopsy, they discovered that it was small cell cancer — the worst kind — as if there are any good kinds of cancer. After two weeks in intensive care, he began his chemo treatments. Each one leaving him a little bit sicker. It’s hard to hear your grandfather say that death would be the better option.

My grandpa now wears oxygen. The things he used to enjoy the most — working on lawn mowers and chainsaws, talking with his buddies at the shop, getting his morning coffee at Zip’N — are things that he can no longer do. Inhaling even the slightest of fumes could cause an infection in his already fragile respiratory system. His friends who smoke in his shop, well, they’re causing even more damage to not only Grandpa, but themselves as well. It’s too hard for grandpa to get in and out of his car, so he can’t  get his morning coffee with the rest of the old men downtown. He’s stuck at home forced to get through what life has thrown at him. Grandma Doris does the best she can to take care of him, but she can not do it alone.

Yesterday, I went to visit my grandpa at his apartment. He has lost all of his hair due to the chemo and he has lost quite a bit of weight too. He’s become very confused and doesn’t know the time, the year, the date, among other things. My mom has warned me that his cancer may have spread and I’m not ready to deal with that yet. I’ve cried and cried the last 24 hours. I don’t know what I would do if I ever lost my Grandpa Charlie.

I’m going to post some pictures of my grandpa as I will always remember him: happy, healthy, ornery. I want to remember my grandpa as the strong man he is. Raising four boys with very little money and starting a business based on honesty and fair prices. Someone who loved to take his granddaughter fishing and who would let her help make horseradish and clean deer and fish. He always wanted me to express my creativity so he always had scrap pieces of wood and some paint laying around for me to make up some new invention or craft. He would let me sell my “creations” at his yearly garage sale and let me keep the money. He’s such a great man and role model. I couldn’t have asked for a better grandfather. He’s always been there for me and for anyone else that needed him. If you know Grandpa Charlie, please make an effort to make a visit or give him a phone call. I know he’d really appreciate it.

After one of Dallas’ ballgames. He was at almost every single one of our athletic events. He loves them!

On Christmas Eve 2008 with the Bryan family.

Grandpa Charlie & Grandma Doris

Me and Grandpa Charlie on Christmas Eve 2008. Ornery as ever… He was so happy that a young’n like me would take a  picture with her old grandpa — why wouldn’t I?!

I’ve been reflecting a lot, and I keep thinking back to when I was a little girl. When life was simple. My biggest concern was how I could get out of getting my hair brushed. I loved swings and puppies. Back when I wanted to be a vet. Back when my favorite activity was going fishing with my dad or grandpa. I really miss those days.

Although I love my life now, I’m struggling to push myself to be better: be a better daughter, be a better employee, be a better friend, be a better person. I’m no longer the little girl with long blonde curls following her dad around. I’m an adult with a load of responsibility. My biggest concern is making enough money to cover all my expenses and to keep up with some shopping habits. I now love Pier1 and Godiva chocolate. I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up. The vet idea is long gone. My favorite activity is to look for furniture. Boy, have times changed.

If anyone has any advice for the grown-up blues, please let me know. For right now I think the best medicine is a night home alone. Just me, a bowl of popcorn, and a chick flick. Sounds like the best thing since sliced bread…